Saturday, June 23, 2007

baby blankets

My neice, princess, is pregnant. Never mind the fact that she is a 19 year old, addict (who states she has been clean since falling pregnant) and the father is an alcoholic with three other children. She's pregnant, and she's having this one. (don't ask).
We found out yesterday its a girl. No big surprise there, our family is female dominant, girls just tend to be what we have. How middle sister had three boys, I'll never figure out.
Its taken me a long time to deal with this issue without being angry, and, truthfully, a bit envious. I had kind of an epiphany a few weeks back though. Its a sad one, but I had it.
I've not seen my neice for over 2 years. We are not close. She has not had a high regard for family, and makes no effort to really talk to anyone, except middle sister, and my oldest nephew, Huey. The last time I saw her she was rail thin, morose, and sullen. It was at my middle nephew's (dewey's) first birthday party. Dewey is going to be four this July. Its been that long.
So, the odds are that I am really going to be a part of her babies life? Slim. It doesn't mean I won't love the baby, hope for the best for the baby, and even for my neice. I stand by my letter, which was sent to my neice when there was an Intervention done to try to get her off the Meth. I told her that I would never give her a gift she could sell for drugs, and on her birthdays, and holidays, I would donate to a charity of my choice instead of getting her anything. I told her she was not welcome in my home until she quit self medicating, and got some treatment for her addiction. She has stopped the drugs, according to other family members. But she has not had any rehab or therapy. What will happen after she has this baby, who is, for the moment, keeping her sober?
I digress. I cannot let myself consider all of that. It will put me into a funk again, and I can't do it. Back to my epiphany.
I should have no expectations, that way, I won't be dissapointed. I will, and am, going through the motions. I will not take my frustration out on an innocent child who had the bad luck to be conceived into her situation. When I see her, I will lavish love and attention on her. I've already started designing the baby blanket I am knitting for her. My great-neice. I hope, for her sake, that princess is capable of staying clean. I will not expect it, though. I hope, for her sake, her father doesn't turn out to be the ass that has been described to me. I will not expect it, though. And I hope, she gets to see her family, (my parents, me, my middle sister's family ect) frequently, so that we can ooh and ahh over her, love her, and make sure that she is safe, and well cared for. Sadly, I will not expect it.


CamiKaos said...

I want to comment. I want to say something. But we've probably exhausted this conversation. I too am envious in a way. I too am sad.

And I want to be hopeful.

mielikki said...

I want to be hopeful, too. I am hopeful. But I am not going to expect anything. But I do hope.

Bubblewench said...

HM & I have a similar situation in the family too. There is nothing I can say you haven't already dealt with,in some way.

sybil law said...

And that's really all you can do, isn't it? Family sucks sometimes. But babies can be life changers, so I hope it's for the better, in her case. Stranger things have happened.

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