Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Take 2

So here I am again. Revisiting the cheating thing. Because it's still in my head. (And yes, MM and are still fine. This is all still from that freaking movie I watched...)
So I am going to narrow it in, and see if that helps.
Emotional Cheating. WANTING to cheat, but not acting on it. Is it cheating?
I say, yes, it actually is.
Good, because that person doesn't do it. Bad. Because they want to.
To me, it indicates a loss of intimacy between the couple. A loss of that fine thread that seems to connect all the really happy couples that I see. Once your mind starts to wander in that direction, of looking at another person in 'that way'. It is, IMHO, stealing from the relationship you are in.
Does it mean the relationship is doomed? No. Not necessarily. It means that some serious work needs to be done.
It is a difficult situation.
Of course, the 'movie' situation was ridiculous.
Man and woman married for 20+ years. He is, of course, a soldier. He goes to Iraq, and she goes back to work. (becoming a nurse in a miracle amount of time). More annoyingly, she begins to "fall" for a doctor. She doesn't let herself, the doctor dies, right when her husband returns. He knows there is something wrong. She can't deny it. In the end, they prevail, and have a stronger marriage because of it. Blah blah blah.
So, emotional cheating. What are your thoughts?


sybil law said...

I just don't see things so black and white. I mean, I listened to people say the other night that fantasizing about other people was cheating, too, and I think that's pure bullshit. But I completely know what you mean. I just think it depends on the situation, the couple, and how far that emotional thing goes, in general. When I was younger, I'd have said it was cheating completely. Being a little bit wiser, more relaxed, or just not so terribly uptight, I think it just depends. If it affects the relationship with the SO, then it's probably not right. If there is guilt involved, it probably isn't right. However, you can gain a lot of insight, etc, from other people NOT your SO, too.
WTF - I am babbling.

Jamie said...

I've long held that emotional cheating is as bad as, or possibly worse than, physical cheating. If you're letting your heart go somewhere else then your relationship with your SO will be hurt.

Daryl said...

I think unless you actually do the deed its not cheating. Lusting after someone other than your own SO is not cheating unless your relationship with your SO is jeopardized ... how? Well by not being emotionally or physically accessible because you're hung up on this other person.

I mean my lust for J. Depp is not keeping me from Husband ... and trust me he knows about J Depp.

Meaningless sex is still sex and if its w/someone other than your SO it IS cheating.

And you're right if you're mooning over someone to the extent you're ignoring the relationship you're in .. either get out or fix what's wrong


Lori said...

I think just thinking about it isn't necessarily wrong. I know there have been times where I've wondered about actually being intimate with only one person for the next 30-40 years. Sometimes that freaks me the heck out and I think about it. BUt, not with anyone in particular or anything. Just the thought of it. But, acting on it in any form I think is cheating- whether that be cultivating a friendship that would likely lead into a cheating relationship or flirting with someone knowing that they're "available" to you or even talking to someone in a suggestive manner on the Internet. I guess I go along with the thought about, if you feel guilty, it's not right or if you'd be upset if you found out your SO was doing the same thing.

Marcus said...

The line between thought and action defines morality IMHO. We don't send people to jail for thinking about murder. We are the society we are, I think, because we are able to ponder the bad to better understand the good.

But then, the thought of my wife having fantasies about other men doesn't exactly make me feel comfortable.

mielikki said...

Fantasy is fantasy. Some people do 'fantasize' or joke about relations with celebrities, mostly. I am talking, not just about sex, but about building a concrete relationship with someone other than the SO. Friends, yes, but is there a line that gets crossed? It is an interesting topic, with many varied opinions!

holly said...

interesting, but something i can't really comment on right now.

i'm not *doing* anything. i just don't really know what my thoughts are. let's check back during daylight, shall we? k.

My Own Woman said...

I was going to leave a brief comment...but it kept getting longer and longer..... so I just went to my blog and blogged about it. (Hey, it gives your don't hate me too bad for! : )

Lia Hollander said...

thank you, you inspired me. I'm going to now emotionally cheat on my vegetables with that chocolate bar downstairs.

ah, yeah...