Thursday, October 4, 2007

Because I have to

according to Sybil, that is.

Something I've broken.
I've been giving this a lot of thought, lately, and I have come up with many things I've broken, or have broken me.
Hearts, of course. Everyone has done that, I think.
Materialistic things? Of course. I even dented my flute once. Material things are replaceable, though, and I tend NOT to be upset if something of mine gets broken
But something that means something to me, hmmm.
This is what I keep coming back to.
I broke myself of a habit. I've actually broken myself of many habits. I think we all do that. But this habit. I had it bad, and it needed to be broken.
My habit?
Always being the one to apologize, for every argument, every perceived wrong doing, every major, or minor schism that involved anyone else.
My theory about this habit of mine is that it formed because, in part, of my temper. I have a fierce one. (It's something else I 'broke', and I am proud of that.). Because my temper flare ups would cause trouble, even as a kid, I'd apologize. Usually, I was the only one who would. This happened, A LOT. I really hate confrontation, arguments, and the ugly feelings that linger after while the involved parties try to wait each other out for the apology. I'll do anything to avoid that uncomfortable, uncertain, cold feeling. It makes me so sad. By saying I was sorry, and I was wrong, I learned that those feelings would start to go away. Even if I didn't think I was wrong.
Before long, this became expected of me in every relationship I was in. Parental, sibling, lover, even some friendships. It sucked.
What got me to take a cold, hard look at this was my divorce. On a cold, winter day, in Rhode Island, I realized that I DIDN'T have to be that girl. I SHOULDN'T be that girl, and I enabled every relationship I had into THINKING I was that girl.
I promised myself to change that. It was painful, it was hard. I back-slid. But I changed it. It took me a long time. I still, at times, back slide. And sometimes? I don't back slide when I should. Its become a little bit hard for me to admit when I am wrong, and say sorry. Because I am afraid that if I do it too often, I will fall back into my old ways. So if I owe any of you reading this an apology for something, well. Maybe, this is my way of giving it.
But, honestly, (and, this is one of the most starkly honest blog posts I've written), I feel like I am healthier now, and I have learned how to walk the middle of the road. I can admit when I'm wrong. BUT, I will also stand my ground when I feel like I am right.
So there.
What I broke.
I'm glad I did it.


CamiKaos said...

that is a good break

sybil law said...

Oh yeah. When I was around 12 or so, I realized how HARD it was for me to say "I'm sorry" to people and admit any wrongdoing whatsoever, and I didn't want to be like that. The first time I ever said I was sorry required SO much effort and I was scared to death, but my GOD I felt so good about myself.
We really grow as people when we make ourselves change.
Good post!!!

The Ferryman said...

I look forward to being wrong one day so I can tell someone I am sorry.

Still waiting... :)