Kindergarten

     Batten down the hatches, MB is starting school. If I thought 4 years flew by, then 5 years (and some change, now) went in a nano-second. It's crazy. He becomes more self sufficient every day. This week alone he's discovered he can have a "faux hawk" with hair gel, he can pour his own milk, and he can reach the top shelf of the refrigerator when he's on his step stool. Might seem like little things, but to him, these are HUGE!
     He also watches some of the Olympics. (Though 3 days in he's over it for now). Swimming caught his eye, and he's been cheering for Michael Phelps whenever he sees him. He reports to me when he grows up, he's going to build robots, be an Olympian, (in archery no less) and he's going to be a Daddy. (He's decided that 3-4 kids is more feasible than 10).  He's not quite sure what the "baby dance" is, but he says he will do it if it means he will have kids (hahahahahahahahahahaha).
     He is also starting soccer sometime in the next few weeks. I predict we are going to have one worn out kid, very soon here.

Birthday post

So its my birthday. And I am actually putting something on my blog! Its a miracle!

     Life, at 46, is still somewhat of a revolving cycle of ups and downs. Some heavy things have happened in the last year. We are still having fallout, family style, from my Dad's death. Regretfully, Ive had to make the painful decision to distance myself from drama and toxicity, and that has been a challenge. My mom has moved out of the home I grew up in, into a very lovely new home, that she was able to have built on my middle sisters property. I am very glad she had a safe and secure place to land, while she continues to get used to her new normal. Is that something anyone really ever gets used to, though? I kind of doubt it.... I don't think my Grandma ever did...
     Our boy is now closer to 5 than four. He is standing next to me, asking me questions, making me a birthday card, and desperate to push the space bar on my lap top. I swear every minute that passes he learns something new, wants to do something new, and is getting more and more independent. I know he is supposed to do all of those things, but slow it down!! I cannot fathom that he is going to start school in August. We actually enroll him in March! Its just flat crazy.
     MG is 21 now, speaking of time flying. She's flown the coop, is out on her own, doing her thing. She comes to visit frequently, and the funniest thing is offering her an alcoholic beverage. On Halloween this this year she and I drank some Not Your Father's Root Beer together (delicious stuff). My mind just kept saying "Wait, she was 12 years old, just a moment ago? Right?" Well, not so much....She's grown.
     MM and I are still our crazy selves. We still like each other,  and still, not a day goes by that he doesn't make me laugh. I am so very thankful he's my partner in life.

Well, I need to let a small boy hit the space bar a few times, so I guess this is the only update I am going to get done at the present time. I like coming back here and reading my memories, though....
'

4 years

its been four years. That just blows my mind. I knew it would go by fast, though, in those first few months, when MB was new, and no one was sleeping, and everything was on a huge learning curve, time seemed to be standing still and speeding forward all at once.
     He asks me now, to look at pictures of when he was a baby. He's got 2 brand new cousins, born this summer, and seeing the little baby girls has made him curious about his babyhood. MM and shake our head in almost disbelief over how tiny and fragile he was. (Almost, because we did live it, after all). We haven't broken him yet, I remind myself, as I sit here, typing, looking at my gangly kid watching Paw,Patrol in his orange minion skivvies.
     He's so smart, now. He makes me a cup of coffee, every morning. He's reading, without realizing it most of the time, but he reads. He's starting to write letters, he loves glue crafts, his new transformer, and the catapult he got for his birthday. He started swimming lessons this week, and did really well. He's not a fan of laying on his back to float, though.
     He sleeps, oh can he sleep. All night in his own bed, and, usually, at least a two hour afternoon nap. I get more done in that two hours. Or I watch inappropriate television. Either way I get a brain rest from the incessant "why, mom?"
     The big decision is coming up, though. Kindergarten. There is no absolute, anymore, of public schooling. Private school is not a consideration, the only one local would be impossible for us to afford. But there are 2 charter schools. And we are strongly interested in that option. I've got a year to gather the information, and we will decide.
It's been a wild ride to four, and I'm sure the fun is really just beginning

I start to lose control...i

We have a new neighbor.
More specifically, MB has a new neighbor.
The people next door now are very nice. The parents are both Air Force, and there are 2 children, a girl who is a year older than MB, and a boy, who is about 2 years younger. MB and the young lady, let's call her Whirly ( for whirling dervish) ADORE each other. It was love at first sight.
     Now, Whirlys parents are busy people. They work. They play. A lot. She goes to school on their base. Needless to say, they aren't home much. And MB? He's home with me, with the exception of Monday's and Wednesday's, when he's in pre school. We do most of our busy on weekends, so that we can be out and about as a family.  So their friendship has been kind of hit and miss.
     Yesterday, we took MB to a dinosaur days event in a nearby town. He had a blast. Didn't really care for the Dino's, but they had a trebuchet he could shoot, slime he could make, and electrics he could play with. When we got home, Whirly was outside. Cue the child hysterics. It was like they haven't seen each other in years. Sheesh.
     After some generalized BS session with Whirlys Dad, we each retired to our own yards. After awhile, Whirly decided she wanted to be inside. Inside my house.... So we went in. We made play doh, we ate yogurt, oranges and juice. We used light sabers, and had general mayhem. That is all fine with me.
     Here's the hard part..
This little girl, while she is very nice, is older, and has more experience than MB. What I do notice, is that she subtly manipulates and tries to undermine my authority with MB. Sometimes, not so subtly.
Now, she's not inciting riots, starting fires, or showing body parts, but still. She is being raised differently than he is, and she doesn't really care about my rules. ( Like no TV on Sunday's).  In her mind, her way is the right way. And MB is so easy going, and eager to please her, because he wants to play with her more than just once in awhile. So he tries to go along with what she's wanting. He did dig his heels in about a few things, and I was so glad to see him do it. But I would like to see him take her on a little more.  I'm afraid if he does, she's going to drop him like a hot potato. And she is the only kid in our neighborhood, presently.  So for now I just keep an eye on our pint sized princess. Her Dad is a nice guy, and he did instruct her that while she's at my house she's to listen to MM and I.  And that did carry weight with her. She was polite to me, and they both had fun. I guess it's all a part of growing up. He's not my baby anymore...

Out n a limb

Its probably a good thing no one reads here, anymore, because my thoughts today might irritate some.

     I'll preface this post by stating that I am, of course, a fan of gender equality. I'm not a rabid, mouth foaming feminist, but, equality is important. That being said, though, frankly??
     I'm tired beyond tired of reading about people creating things just for girls!! I get it, I understand, but I really feel like we are sending a message to boys, now, that it's more important that we focus our time and energy on the girls in their classroom. It looks to me that we are trading one problem for another. While we are striving for equality, we are instead going too far in the other direction. As a mother of a little boy, I see this, multiple times a day. It worries me.. Why do we, as a society, feel the need to assign gender labels to everything? How did one decide that science kits were 'boy toys' and, now, we have to market a separate set just for girls? Or rockets, or countless other things. Where are the EZ bake ovens designed for boys? How about a boy focused my little pony? And when I'm shopping for clothing to put him in? The boys section is about 1/3 the size of girls clothing. And the "nice" boys clothes??? Oh, Please. Pastel-ish colored dress shirts do not go down well with a 3.5 year old. Or his father, for that matter. If I luck into nicer button down shirts in colors they both approve of, I buy them in a couple sizes, because if I don't I will never find them again. As he gets older, I see this getting harder. As a woman, I have to teach my son to love and respect women, and treat them as equals. All the while, he is seeing society now bend over backwards to cater to girls his age. These boys are going to resent the hell out of this. I see it coming. But this is all my opinion. I hope I am wrong....

I had this dream....

Childhood memories swirl around me, birthday parties, summer camping
Family holidays spent with good hearts, we weren't rich, but we weren't lacking
No one was left wanting, or so it seemed to me
But sometimes wounds hide too deep for anyone to see

Detail isn't important, truth be told, I didn't want to remember,
I spent minutes, days, and years perfecting my recipe to forget
Cold with fear, denial, disbelief and without hope
I realized that as a human, I could not cope
I could pretend, though, and as long as I did, maybe no one would get hurt
And they would never know, couldn't ever know
That they were touching dirt

I made so many choices knowing before I chose that I'd choose wrong
But I didn't care, I couldn't care, It was too damn hard to stand up strong
But those things came back to haunt me, and against a wall, I embraced the pain
I turned myself around, and swore I'd never go back again

Now detail isn't important, truth be told, I really can't remember
I spend minutes, days, and years willing myself to never forget
Warmed with courage, acceptance and belief, I found some hope,
I realize I am human, and I'm working very hard to cope,
I can't pretend, though, because as long as I do it's only me whose getting hurt
And I always know, can't ever not know,
That the world outside avoids me, afraid that they might touch the dirt

I find myself wondering as I take life minute by minute, day by day
Will this taint, the feeling of uncleanliness ever really go away?
I see the looks on faces and I feel those whispered words
People think they're talking quietly, but I assure you that I heard

You say the details aren't important, truth be told, you always remember
You've spent minutes, days and years making sure no one forgets
Is it your fears, denial and disbelief that try to steal my meager hope?
Please remember I am human, and still struggling to cope
I'm not asking you to pretend, though, because it was you that I hurt
Because of all I know, and all you know,
I will just ask for some forgiveness, help me wash away the dirt

It's a rare person who really sees me, underneath my dirt and grime
Who treats me like I have value, and that I'm worth their time
It's a beautiful, heady feeling to be met with no expectations
I'm grateful I can share some time without any explanations

She says details aren't important , truth be told she doesn't mind
She's spent minutes, days and years looking for what she could not find
She has enough courage, acceptance and belief to help maintain my hope
She knows that I am human, and I have the tools to cope
There is no more pretending, but there's always the risk for hurt
But I will know, and she will know
I am worth more than the dirt

This blog post is mainly for me, since I am the only one who comes here, anyhow. I wrote this poem after waking up from a dream I was having. I wish I could remember the melody that was supposed to go with it, but I don't. I don't have enough of a musical gift to write actual tunes, anyhow. I wrote it from a male perspective, because in my dream, it was a young man who was struggling with the issue that he was ostracized from society, and even friends and family due to the poor choices he had made. I wasn't him in the dream, I was more of an observer. He met a girl in this dream, just as I was waking up. A beautiful girl, who was not hesitant to touch him at all. On further reflection now, though, I am kind of wondering if this wasn't supposed to end differently. Maybe he died, and she was an angel? They were both in white, the whole typical, schmaltzy ending with the breeze blowing the hair and the loose white clothing. Hmm. Now I might have to write a depressing alternate ending to this. 

bring on 2015, already

I'm not completely in the Bah, Humbug mode. No one with a 3 year old should be allowed to fully enter that zone.
I am ready to be done with this year, though. More than ready.
2014 will always be the year my Dad died. And my Grandmother. Those events do overshadow everything that happened in this year.
That doesn't mean that fun wasn't had, things weren't accomplished, and we didn't enjoy our lives.
I think it means that we actually enjoyed those things more.
Eventually. And only sometimes, probably
There are times when my involvement was "phoned in", because I was just too sad, or too numb, or too unsure of how I was "supposed" to be. I don't usually care about things like that. But when you're emotionally bankrupt, you find yourself caring and wondering about the stupidest, littlest things. Because those are easier to care about than the big, ugly dark things.
The numbness is slowly fading, as I dig myself out of this year, and we approach what it the "fresh start" that we are promised with each new year. I am ready to put 2014 to bed.
I think.