Technology

MM got me a fancy new toy for Christmas. An iPad.
Completely surprised me. He's good like that. So. Here I am, attempting to blog from it.
I did try, earlier in the week, but I was juggling a very active toddler and trying to maintain my sanity. It didn't work and I didn't pursue it. It was actually a post about how I utterly failed mailing our cards out this year. (Sorry).
     The toddler I speak of is well. Cutting molars, so he's been rather uh, angry at times. It hurts, and he doesn't understand why. He was overwhelmed at Christmas, and is presently sitting in front of me, playing with an empty box. (Go figure). He got lots of cars, and this morning we had a rousing game of bathtub basketball, thanks to Santa. He beat me soundly.
    The girl is well, as well.. Still home with us, which is good, because my awesome, long sought after sitter had to quit, related to a family crisis. We both cried. So I'm using MG as my back up, and interviewing more people soon. Sigh. The fun just never ends.
MM and I are good, too. We still like each other ;). (Inside joke. Kind of).
I guess I gotta go. MB is playing in a trash bag. Oh, the Joy.
Happy New Year.

mustang boy posts!!!

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saying goodbye to a house

My Grandma has been living with my parents for a few years, now. During this time, she has always held onto the dream that she would be able to go back to her home. The home she's lived in for at least the 42 years that I've known her.
Sadly, that dream just isn't possible. Through no fault of her own, she just is too forgetful, too fragile, to live by herself. And the closest any of us live to her home is an hour away.
She enjoys, most of the time, living with my parents. It has its ups and downs.
But her home.
I cannot even fathom all the memories this little 3 bedroom, 1 1/2 bath holds. Its staggering.
I remember sleeping in sleeping bags, in the living room. Waiting for Santa. Looking at the really bad artificial Christmas tree. All the croquet games in the back yard. The wrapping paper base ball games. Easters. 4th of July. Sitting around the table, listening to all the grown ups talk about things I might not understand. My Aunt's wedding, in that home. The toys hidden in the closet. Playing Oven with my cousins. ( I cannot tell you what Oven is. I'm not sure I could describe it well enough. Ask Cami if you know her). Heck. I think I got to see Cami as a baby for the first time in Grandma's house.
My Grandfather died in that house. Its where I last saw him. Its where he lived. Its where he had his strokes. Its where he spoke last.
Its a house I've sought refuge in. Its where I used to collect bottles, and get money to walk to the 7 11. Its where I sat on the front porch eating too much sugar. Its where I sugar crashed.
Grandma has, in her own way, agreed to let the house be a home to someone else now. As a rental property for the moment. But, next weekend, we're all going to the house. The home. To look. To pillage. To plan, because it's going to need to be emptied. And I have a feeling, for me, at least, to say goodbye. To a house.
And I don't know how to do that...

jackpot

The other day, I was watching Charlie Brown Thanksgiving with MG and MB. My favorite part is when Snoopy is fighting the chair, while "Little Birdie" is being played as background music.
I really love the music used in the Peanut's stuff. I already have some of the tunes in my Ipod. Curious, I went to the ever present iTunes, (what did I ever do before iTunes?) and Jackpot!!
Little Birdie. And a bunch of others, too. (Vince Guaraldi Trio, the official musicians). So, 9 whopping dollars later, I had some music happiness..
     I needed to pop into work this am to fill out some paperwork after a super busy work night last night, so I hooked my music up, set the fun on shuffle, and off I went. As I was driving, the music was playing, and the memories were flowing. I love all music, but the music from Peanuts? Puts me in a happy childhood place like no other. I didn't want to stop driving. I was thinking all kinds of crazy things, like how much I identify with Woodstock, of all creatures ("Little Birdie, why do you fly upside down"), to how sad I got watching the special where Snoopy ran away from home, how much, every year, I want the Great Pumpkin to show up for Linus, and the Little Red Headed Girl to take some interest in CB, laughing at Lucy and her silly football, pretending she doesn't care about the other kids. I bet Lucy would Maim anyone who messed with them, though. I remember having a Snoopy and Woodstock soap dish as a kid. I was so enthralled with that thing. It even came with a dog bone shaped soap bar.
And Pig Pen. I love that dirty little boy. And Franklin, the way that kid can dance! And Shroeder, the piano genius. And on, and on. I love them all.
And then, I got sad, thinking of not only MB, but the countless other kids who don't get 'fresh' Peanuts anymore. No new cartoon in the Sunday papers, no new TV specials. Sure. We have reruns, we have reprints, we have books.
But it's not the same. I don't see todays kids taking the innocent joy from it that I did.
I know, they have their own, 'new' things now. But I'm still sad.
For the record, I miss you, Charles M. Shultz. You impacted my life with your goofy little cartoon. And I will be forever grateful.

Thankful

I just am.
For everything.
I'm not doing that post something every day on FB thingy, or any of the other stuff. Because I'm trying to always be thankful for the life I have, no matter what time of year.
I AM making a Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, though....
Happy Turkey day, everyone

here we go again

So
I'm looking for another person to come watch MB a few hours a week.
Did I ever say what happened to the last one?
The one who swore to me she was in it for the long hall?
The one who would watch our little boys grow and become friends?
Yeah
she left, with like, 2 days notice, to move to New Orleans, less than a month after we'd hired her.
Since then, we've been kind of winging it, which has actually worked out not horribly. Thank Goodness I work for human beings who actually like it when I bring him with me for a few minutes to work until MM can get him. That would have NEVER happened at my last job.
However
MG is still in pursuit of leaving to go on her own, and without her here, we cannot wing it.
So I have to meet people and decide if I am going to trust them with the most precious thing I've been gifted with.
I so hate this...

sick sick sick

I had this whole, well, kind of whole, rambling post written about how we have all had the flu this week. But as I was typing another sentence about retching and vomit I decided that perhaps it could all be left unsaid.
     Suffice it to say that we've all had it now. We've been living in our pajama's, on crackers, cream of wheat, ice, and 7 up. Work was missed, and the house is a disaster. Blankets scatter each of the pieces of furniture, and many many naps have been taken.
    We're all on the mend, today we are closer to our usual activities. Looking forward to taking MB to the preschooler trick or treat event that our down town area hosts every year. I'm hoping that not every treat they hand out involves candy, because he doesn't really eat candy at this point. Maybe I'm taking him to the wrong kind of event for that expectation, but it IS geared for preschoolers, so I have some hope that someone down there will be giving out the treat bags of teddy grahams or something similar. We haven't really committed to whether or not we're taking him out Halloween night or not. We have friends with school age kids that we usually go walk around with, just for the fun of it. Last year MB was only 4 months old. We went for a short while, and he hated it, because it was cold, and he was in a dark stroller. MM ended up carrying him most of the time. Now that he is walking, and much more interactive, he might enjoy being out, and seeing some of the decorated houses. If we go, I can even send him to a few doors I guess. I don't know. I'll see how the weather is, and what his mood is like. If we got trick or treaters here I'd be perfectly happy to stay home and see all the kids that way...
So, anyone else got any good Halloween plans?

slow down!!!

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What you see above is Mustang Boy's first attempt at a blog post. Unfortunately, he got to banging away quite emphatically, and had to be removed from the scene before my laptop met an unfortunate, toddler fueled demise.
      He is, now, a bona fide, full blown, toddler. Toddling. Running, grabbing everything within his reach. He has a very strong opinion of what he is (or isn't) going to eat. He is starting to have some words. Ball is the first, and his favorite. He mimics the cadences of our voices, I am working hard on getting him to say Trick or Treat!, but I don't think he's quite ready for that one, yet.
For Halloween, he is going to be a football player. Specifically, a 49'er.  We are taking him to a small down town trick or treat function that is especially for the small children. He is not a candy eater, (would be if we let him probably, but I am not in a hurry to let him have tons of sugar) so it doesn't matter what he gets while he's participating.
     Thankfully, he still enjoys a good afternoon nap, and he sleeps in until about 9:30 ish every morning. My new job being the night shift on call for our local hospice is WONDERFUL. It's the closest I will ever get "working from home" as a nurse. Some nights are busy as all get out, and some nights? I barely get any action. Whatever kind of night I end up having, it still gives me much more time at home than I have ever had. AND, I'm more rested, because I get some sleep, every night! So I feel like I'm present with him, not some night shift zombie Mama. It's pretty sweet.
      And Mustang Girl.
We won't even talk about all the changes underway. She's over 18, she's in college, an "adult",
Holy Hell.
It's just too fast!

Dear 16 year old self

(MM did it, and I kind of liked it so I am swiping it. I know, it's been done by many others...)

     Dear 16 year old me

     Don't worry. You won't have acne your whole life. I promise. Now get up and go wash your face.
Do me another favor? Go talk to some of those people you're too shy to talk to right now. They grow up to be some pretty good people, you'll come to find out. They aren't better than you, they don't really think they're better than you, and they could use some more friends too.
     Now, don't freak out, but you are going to join the Navy.
Yes, really. Now get off the floor. It's going to be awesome, for the most part. Pay attention to the lessons in life that Dad is trying to impart to you, they'll come in very handy. Very quickly. Don't worry about guys so much, you'll get your chance. Don't be afraid to love, either. Just know that it might not end very pretty, but the whole process of it? Wonderful, and life altering.
     You're going to go through some shit. I won't lie to you. Just keep your head up, and stay true to yourself. You're stubborn as hell, and truthfully?? You could dial some of that stubborn back a notch. Stick to your guns, and do what you want to do, and remember, it's better to be happy alone than miserable with someone else. That's a lesson we kind of learn the hard way, but it all works out in the end.
      Someday, you're going to find yourself with a blog, a nice, albeit messy house, 2 cats, a bunch a fish, a job you didn't know you wanted but like anyhow, and best of all, an incredible family. Hold onto that thought, and do what you have to do to get there. I promise, it's worth it.
Now go clean your room :)

She's old enough to vote....

Mustang Girl really isn't a girl, anymore.
There. I said it.
She's 18
she's a college student
and she's old enough to vote, as of today.
Wow.
She's still at home with us, but I am guessing it won't be too long before she puts her mind to it and figures out how to get to where she wants to be. I am glad she's here with us, MB is just getting to the age where he appreciates having other people around to torment. Last night, he kept walking up to her and putting his cold hands on her, then laughing as she screeched and squirmed away. He understood that what he was doing was funny, so he kept doing it. And she let him keep doing it, because she's a good big sister.
So, Now I need to be calling her something other than 'girl'.
Geez
I can't believe how time flies.

Our first dance :)

TV was on the other day, and I was getting ready to pack MB up to leave the house. I had to go to work, and we were meeting MM for the kid swap....
Whatever was on started playing "Mony Mony", the Billy Idol version.
And my boy started to dance.
So, I had to stop and dance with him. I mean come on. No matter what is happening in the day, when the boy starts to dance, to a song that seems to make his butt move, what choice did I really have?
It's the first time I've seen him stimulated by music to actually stop and dance. (He does a little with an obnoxious toy, but only because the babysitter's kid was doing it). This is HIS first choice.
Billy Idol, I never thought I'd say this
but thanks...

something new

I think I'm in the process of learning a new life lesson. Its yet something else being a Hospice nurse is teaching me.
So here it is
Don't borrow trouble.
Sound weird?
Lets see if I can possibly explain this. I'm not sure if I can.

My job is to sit, and wait for people who need me to call me.
My previous job was taking care of complicated ICU patients. Doing this, I had to anticipate their needs, and try to meet them, most of the time before the need arrived. It was part of my job to stay one step ahead, if I could, then figure out how to fix it when I couldn't. I could borrow trouble all night long, and usually be correct.
Now, with this job, it's all way, left field. Anyone can call. At any time. With anything. And trust me, they do. I've gotten calls at 2 am about lambs wool. Seriously.
Where my brain runs into a brick wall is AFTER I've dealt with whatever they called me for. Once dealt with, my little ICU brain starts to forecast for the patient I just dealt with.
The thing is?
Thats not what I need to do. They have assigned case managers to do that.
I'm just to 'put out the fire', so to speak.
So I am having to retrain my brain not to worry and forecast and try to do TOO much.
I also seem to forget that I have help....
in the form of spiritual care, and Medical Social Workers.
I'm used to doing by myself.
And when I forget to do something or mess up?
OY!
My brain!!!
I am really having some serious about face moments here!! Its so strange for me to try and convince myself that once I've hung up the phone, or made a visit to someone, and charted it, that I'm done. That's that. I need to shelve it, and go on with other things. I'm really struggling with that, especially when I get a call in the middle of the night, and I need to try to go to sleep after the call. And instead I lay there, forecasting away. I think, maybe, as I continue this job I will get better at this, at putting it aside.
But part of me mourns that. I kind of like being a forward thinker....

people suck.

A few weeks ago, I found out we have a place in my small town that is advertised as an indoor place where kids of all ages could go play. It has stuff for all ages, swings, slides, a toddler area, classes, and also a swap section for clothing and toys. If you bought a membership, you could use it seven days a week. And they have a special birthday party room,

Well, it sounded kind of interesting, so I emailed the lady who runs it. She assured me that plenty of toddlers used the facility, so MB would have company, and that I could come check the place out, first visit for free.

    So, I got up one Thursday am, packed up MB and all the necessary things that go with a traveling toddler, and off we went.

     To say I was disappointed is a huge understatement.

The place was in a windowless warehouse, no AC, no fans. The floor was cement, with some rugs present in certain areas. The swing for toddlers was hung with that abrasive yellow rope, and if he leaned forward, it rubbed his head. If he leaned backward, it rubbed his head.... the toys weren't safe, and the people!

     My lord. The people.

The other kids ran amock, with minimal supervision. (MB was almost run over twice, by a tricycle, and a scooter), it was a free for all.

And the other mothers there....

All stood in a corner together, staring at me playing (or trying to play) with my son. All these young, late 20, early 30's barefoot, natural snack bearing, judgemental cows, who acted like they'd never seen anyone like me with a baby before. One of them even moved her daughter away from MB while they were playing in the same area. None of them spoke to me. Hell, they didn't come within 10 feet of me, honestly. They stayed in their little grouping, staring, whispering... Including the lady who runs the place. (It was her daughter and the scooter that almost ran MB over)

So we left. Because seriously? 

It actually kind of hurt my feelings. 

Not for ME, by any means. I'm a big girl, screw those other 'ladies' (and I use that term loosely).

But for MB. 

What kind of crap is that?

Those kids were close to his age. He wanted to play. He knows how to share, he smiles and laughs, he's so easy going and sweet. It really upsets me that people can't unbend, and realize that we all have something to offer, no matter our differences in age, appearance, or socio-economical class. For the record, I believe the problem here was actually my age. MB and I were in the typical mom jeans/messy toddler clothing that seems to be synonymous with this particular age group. Or maybe the problem was that I didn't just put him down and let him play unsupervised. I played WITH him. (no one else was). 

Whatever it was, they were un friendly, unwelcoming, standoffish unaccepting and a few other words I can think of.

We won't be going back. Ever.

I'll find something different, maybe. Or I'll find more of the same, possibly. In the meantime, we will stay home and play with the fun, safe toys. Oh. And the 2 new black kittens we seem to have acquired...)

as the toddler naps

Had a great time in Seattle.
I was right. MB is a great little flyer. It turns out you can pretty much take ANYTHING on a plane that is for a baby. I accidentally left a spray foam sun block in his diaper bag, and they saw it. Then told me I could keep it. I nearly fell over. You can bring milk, formula, hell. I bet I could've put Vodka in the bottle and they'd have let me have it. I did see them test some sippy cup water of another toddler, though, so maybe not....
      In Seattle, we happened to be there during the weekend that they had record high heat. Damn!! It was sticky and muggy. Lovely cousin got married out in the boonies at this really nice organic farm. But the heat nearly killed us. Poor MB wasn't a fan, so we barely made it through the dinner service before we headed for the AC comfort of our hotel room, and then, eventually, the swimming pool. MB enjoys swimming, as it turns out, especially when his Daddy sticks his head in the water and blows bubbles at him. We took him in the water every day. Now that we're home, I'm kind of missing that, actually.
     So now, we are at home, and my work schedule got changed, AGAIN. But I'm kind of glad, because I get a few days recovery from the trip. The downside of that is now I am going to be working the weekend instead. But I don't mind that as much. I actually get extra money for working the weekend. So, no harm, no foul.
     Seeing the family over the weekend was also so very awesome. We are spread out a bit, so it was nice to see some that we haven't seen in quite awhile. Now I miss seeing them, though. And the pool. I still miss the pool.

various and sundry ramblings of a tired brain

Had to work 4 shifts in a row this week. 15.5 hour shifts, which were kind of busy and crazy at intermittent times. I learned one thing. If I pick up my phone to do something silly, or not work related, a patient somewhere will sense it and call me, and probably need a visit. It's all good. It's what they pay me for, and it allows me to get more sleep than I was getting, and, stay home for some of the time. I still really like the job. One of the families I helped this week actually thanked me, in the newspaper obituary for their Mom. It was nice, but a little strange to be mentioned in someone's obit. . . .
     In other news, we are taking MB on his first big trip this week. My sweet cousin is getting married in Seattle, and since Dan also has family up there, we get to see them, too! Tonight, at 8 we are flying out. I'm sure MB will be great on the plane, we have packed snacks, a bottle, and things to entertain him. Did you know that formula is allowed to be over the 3 oz. rule when traveling with an infant? He's been drinking whole milk for a few weeks now, but for the flight I'm bringing a formula bottle, because I can! They won't let me bring milk through over 3 oz. and using the bottle will help his ears to pop when we take off, and land...
Let's see, what else.
OH
We hired the single mama babysitter, and so far things are working out well. She's come twice, and MB and her little boy get along really well with each other. It's really nice to see the interaction between the two of them. So far, they haven't come to blows over any toys, which is a wonderful thing. I hope we continue down that path. He is entering the toddler stage, though, and we've had a few demonstrations from him this week of the "what's yours is mine, what's mine is mine, and anything I see is also mine" mind set of young children. He's also now fully rejecting any kind of baby food, even ones that he LOVED just one week ago. The other night he ate pork chops and mac and cheese for dinner. Sheesh.
So, how 'bout them Yankees? :)

Its like dating, again

My work hours at the hospice facility are kind of challenging. I knew that going into the job.  What complicates things is that on the days I work, I have to be at the office by 4:30 in the afternoon. Now, with MG here, that's do-able. The beginning of the shift is the busiest, I'm usually doing stuff until around 6 pm, then, I come home and field phone calls, and go out if I am needed until 8 am the next day. MM gets home between 5:30, and 6.
And so, the conundrum
when MG does leave, who is going to be home to manage the small child?
I don't know any local kids that I would want to come. The lady/friend who was watching him while I oriented to my job has since moved away. My family is not close enough.
So, I did what every one does these days.
I went online.
Specifically, "care.com"
and to my surprise, I have 2, very viable people contacting me, to watch him 2-3 times a week from 3-6 pm, in our home
One is a single mother, EMT qualified, who has a boy 1 month older than MB. This is great, because he'd have a friend to play with, and she gets little boys. She has to, right, her boy is still alive and walking... My slight hitch is this. What happens when her boy gets sick? I know, I know. MB is going to get sick eventually, too. But still.
The other lady is a grandma type who watches her grandbabies. Also boys. But she wouldn't be bringing them here, they are much older than MB. This appeals to me, too. Her kids are raised and successful, and she obviously likes kids.
I'm meeting them both this week. Not at my house, not yet. To get a feel for them. Because I am already kind of torn.
Its totally like going on a date. Kind of. Sort of.
I hope one of them is a toad so it makes my choice easier.....

One

Well.
We did it. We've managed to get MB to his first birthday. With all of his fingers and toes intact. And most of our sanity....
He's got 4 teeth, with a fifth one on it's way. He stands up without holding onto anything, (looks kind of like a meer cat when he does it.) He's going to walk soon. He's in the 95th% for height and 15% for weight. Skinny little string bean! We're thinking basketball....
His eyes are this really cool shade of hazel-grey. MM says they are just like his dad's eyes. Even the pediatrician was stumped about what color to call them.
He still has a sunny, laid back personality, even when he's teething. He can be a bit of a drama king if he's not getting what he wants, and he likes nothing better than to bang away on our computers or phones, already. Anything electronic seems to lure him in. I have visions of coming home and finding that he's dismantled the toaster someday. Probably soon.
The last year has been so much fun. So many changes, with both him, and everything else. But every change was positive, and has worked out for the better of our family. I'm at a really cool place in life, loving every minute of it, and I wouldn't change it for anything...

Quirky

I've always known I have a few Quirks. But now, in this new job, I'm finding one that I always knew was there, I just wasn't really aware of how, well, kind of prominent it seems to be, or can be.
I'm learning that one thing that drives me crazy is knowing that I need to accomplish something, but having to WAIT until it's the right time for me to do it.
Like, I'm going to go make a home visit to someone, and do all the charting and ect. ect., but I CAN'T go do that visit until 1 in the afternoon. Therefore, I can't chart anything, I can't sit here and try and GUESS what medications need to be refilled, I really can't LEAVE for the appointment, (since, say, it's probably only 10 am it only takes me 5 minutes to get to where the silly appointment is...)
So, can I see someone else in that time?
Maybe....
but they all want to see the nurse later in the day, too, they say. Or, not today at all, thank you..
In short, I kind of hate having tasks just hanging over my head. Knowing I need to do something, but yet, I cannot.
And now, I'm back to nights. Sitting with my phone. Waiting for it to ring...
this job may well make me crazy.....
and don't even get me started about the amount of staggering paperwork!

Paulettes

We are lucky people, all of us.
We live in this wonderful, small town, and for a few years, we've been having a fairly regular, Saturday morning breakfast at a place called Paulette's. We know all the waitresses, and the owners, Paulette and John. When we go there, they basically take MB from us, and he gets a walking tour of the place, going from Paulette to all the waitress' depending on who is busy and who isn't. There is one waitress, Melody, who is a special favorite of MB's. She's even coming to the house for the big summer party! And then there is Paula, who took care of our big table after MG's graduation. She knew we were coming, and had actually gotten a card and small gift for MG. As did Paulette and John. And then there is Jennifer. Her baby girl is a few months younger than MB and we are going to get them together soon for a playdate. Fun! And there's Jessica, who loves MB's clothing choices.... Oh, I could go on and on and on and on...
I LOVE this place, and the people have grown into our hearts. Oh. The food is good, too. Paulette makes the pie herself.....

No.....

MB is growing up. Fast. Little bugger is really mobile right now, goes everywhere, gets into everything. Just as it should be.
Problem is, he doesn't know yet what's going to hurt him. Or whats going to hurt something else (like the fish). So, we are now at the age where he is capable of understanding "no". If not the word, then at least the tone.
He caught on fairly quickly, too. And sometimes, he actually stops the behavior. Other times? I have to go make him stop the behavior, which really pisses him off. But he's getting it.... He's also breaking 3 teeth this week, all on the top. He has his cranky moments, but even teething he has a pretty easy going personality.
MG is all graduated now, and today she is down at her JC of choice, taking the placement test. She's moving about 5 hours away from home, to a beach town. I'm excited for her, its going to be a good experience.

Time flies

Its been almost a year since Mustang Boy was born,  and lately, that whole birth experience has kind of been flashing before my eyes.
Remembering what it was like to be pregnant, what we were doing this time last year, (I was sitting around on a modified bed rest ish life, trying not to hurt myself again).
He is getting more and more mobile. He's stood up twice on his little legs, not holding onto anything. He's going to be walking soon.
And he eats! Oh, does he eat. Funnily enough, the one food he is consistently rejecting right now are strawberries. He spits them out, every time. He cried this morning when I tried to get him to eat some.
But he loves pieces of tomato. And pickle. And pancakes, eggs, or mostly anything else we're eating. He's a funny kid. The strawberries are even fresh, from a farmers market. Go figure. Maybe he will like them, later....

I'm not ready

I have a post to write. Its not a bad post. It's not an "I'm throwing in the towel on blogging" post, nothing is wrong with the family.
For all intents and purposes, the topic of it is a good thing, really.
Its just. Well?
I'm not ready.
I don't know if I'll be ready.
I can tell you what it's about, it's not like it's a big secret.
MG is going to fly the coop this summer. Go off to the big bad world, spread her wings. Fly.
I told you I wasn't ready...
but the important question,
is SHE ready?
I guess we're gonna find out..
the best thing about home, is that it's always there if she needs it.
But I'm still not ready.

Lets Get Physical

I think the one thing that I really wasn't prepared for with having a little kid is how physical things can get. At any given time, I'm being pinched, bitten, scratched, head butted, slapped, punched, kicked, squirmed at, and least of all, drooled on.
Oh, and the hair pulling. Oy.
Sometimes I feel like I've gone 5 rounds with an MMA fighter.
My rational mind knows that all of this is exploration, and instinct, and, that he doesn't yet understand gentleness with his motions. He's learning. So I take the abuse as well as I can, with soft words to remind him to be gentle, and lately, saying "no", firmly, because we are at the point now where he responds to tone of voice, and body language. He gets very concerned if I have a stern look on my face.
When I'm tired after having been up all night at work, though, its tough. The hair pulling really hurts. I actually went and got my hair cut shorter than I wanted it to be, because I want to prevent more hair pulling than necessary. I'm really hoping he will learn the meaning of gentle quickly.....

He's a Person

Its so funny!
The last week or so has just been PACKED full of changes....
MB is about 10 months old now, and suddenly, he IS.
He is present
he is entertaining himself
he is entertaining US
he is mobile
he is eating MY food. (hogged all my mashed potatoes the other day)
he is making his needs and desires wanted
he is exploring the world, both in the house, and outside. We've been spending time in the back yard, in the hammock, on a blanket on the ground. We have sun block, and sun hats, and pirate shorts, and swim trunks that match the sun hat
We even have a PLAYDATE. With a GIRL.
Suddenly, he isn't the baby thats been always on one of us, touching us one way or the other, grasping, always needing contact.
He's a PERSON
gaining independence
almost ready to walk, (he stood on his own, for the first time, today)
I don't know if I'm ready for this!

Surprise, a Mieography!

Pick your jaws up off the floor, now.... I know it's a shock. But this woman is AMAZING....

Elisabeth Kubler was born in July 1926 in Zurich, Switzerland, the oldest of the Kubler triplets. She weighed 2 pounds. Her father was very strict, and before his daughters were even teenagers, he had their future mapped out for him. Elisabeth, (or, as she was known, Betli), was going to be the secretary for his business. Betli, however, had an entirely different future mapped out for herself. Instead of becoming her father's secretary, she found herself standing up to him, and, with dreams of becoming a doctor, she first labored as a maid, then, found herself jobs in various lab's in Zurich. Along with working for these labs, she also did refugee work in war torn Europe after WW II, working in both Switzerland, and in Poland. Eventually, she found her way into medical school, and graduated. While there, she met a young American man, and they married. After medical school, she wanted to go work in India. He wanted to return to the United States. Her Indian job fell through, so, she emigrated with her husband. They started out in New York, where he was from, where she wanted to initially specialize in Pediatrics. She got a fellowship, but during this time, the higher powers that be did not want any pregnant women, and, she was pregnant. So she took the last availiable spot, and ended up doing a psychiatric rotation. (How on earth can psych be a better place for a pregnant woman, I ask you!). Sadly, she had a miscarriage. She actually had 4 miscarriages, but two healthy children, a boy and a girl. She continued her psychiatry specialty, and, eventually found her way to Colorado, then, to Chicago. She began to be more and more drawn to the patients who were terminally ill, and before long, she was doing something no practitioner had ever even thought of doing. TALKING about death. She held seminars of medical students, doctors, nurses, clergymen, social workers, and more, where she would bring in a terminally ill patient, and have the patient educate them on how it felt to know you were facing death. Her lectures quickly became popular, though some of the older MD's were not thrilled with this, and would even refuse to admit their terminally ill/dying patient's were actually, ah, DYING. (hello?!!! is this thing on?!!!).

She began writing books of her experiences, and her first book, "On Death and Dying" proposed the now, widely accepted 5 stages of grief. (Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). She then became a huge proponent of the hospice movement. She and her husband bought property in California, and opened the Shanti Nilaya (home of Peace). It was a healing center for the dying, and their families. She also co-founded the American Holistic Medical Association. She also began to become involved in assisting the patient's with AIDS. She moved her healing center to Virginia, with the intention of adopting AIDS suffering babies and letting them live their lives out in peace. Sadly, acceptance of AIDS during this era was minimal, and, her farm was burnt to the ground maliciously before she could enact her plan.

She died in 2004 in Scottsdale, Arizona, after suffering a series of strokes, but not before writing her last book, her own biography ( "The Wheel of Life", which I am now reading and highly recommend). Her works are highly regarded in any hospice organization, and we practice her tenants in almost all that we do. The depth of study, and compassion that she had for the death and dying are astounding, and she has changed the face of medicine for the better. She wrote 23 books on the subject matter, (varying topics), one being a photographic journal. ("Real Taste of Life").

neglect

My poor, poor, neglected blog.

I've been thinking about it a lot, lately. How I used to post regularly, then semi regularly, and now, so sporadically. I've gone back and forth, on just to "end" it, or keep it, or, what?

The memories here are some things I've already forgotten, and many I'll never forget. And for that reason alone, I am leaving it here, until I decide I don't want to anymore.

I don't want to print it. Somehow, it just seems wrong to do that. I didn't start this with the intention of printing any of it. Except maybe the recipes, for other people if need be.

So, it's here, for me to sporadically type at. It still has some life in it. And I do like to go visit the other blogs I've made friends with. I know I don't get to comment much anymore. Having a squirmy boy on my lap prevents me from typing anything that would make any sense, usually. He's discovered Mama's keyboard does neat things. MM thinks he's already practicing code. He may be right.

So, here I am, with my neglected blog that has been through so much. Maybe as MB gets older I am going to gain a semblance of freedom back again (ha ha). Or I will at least have a place to quickly dash off a humorous story of his antics. (So far my best one might just be that refried beans make for an explosive diaper... but I digress). We shall see what it evolves in to.

For now, for anyone keeping score, MM and I are still sickeningly happy with each other, being married hasn't ruined that :)

Mustang Girl is graduating high school VERY soon. That just makes my heart palpate looking at it. She is considering going to school in another area of the state, meaning, she's possibly going to leave and fly on her own.. (that really makes me palpate)

MB is doing what babies do. Drooling, growing teeth, and crawling all through the house, usually leaving a trail of havoc and drool in his wake. He's also teaching MG's new cat what it's like to live with a wee one. Good times...

So, I'll still continue to sporadically post. But I am reading.... and if you get a comment from me that looks like GLKJBGVFHBNBGVHN

then you'll know that MB had an opinion on what we read that day. And I've got sticky boy fingers and drool all over my keyboard...

Time on my hands

Going from working in a busy ICU, hospital care, to working in a Hospice, which is designed to look/act more like a really nice home/hotel, has been quite a difference. Where I work now is not clinical, in the least bit. It's a cluster of really nice rooms surrounding a gorgeous, high vaulted ceiling living room, with a fire place, comfortable couches and chairs to sit on, 2 dining rooms, a full kitchen, a small beverage center, a smaller, closed off sitting room. Very open concept everwhere else...

well you get the drift. Oh. And a pretty nice nurses station, too.

Anyhow

Its acceptable, in the middle of the night, while my charges are sleeping, and my paperwork is done, for me to go sit in the pretty living room, by the fire, in a comfortable chair, and read. I even got myself a Kindle, so I'd have portable books at my finger tips. (They even say I can nap, but I just can't bring myself to do that, I am 'working', after all).

So, I read. And last week, I finished this book, called "Defending Jacob", its by William Landay.

Now, I'm going to totally ruin the book for you all, so if you want to read it, you should probably stop here.

The book is about a man, who was his small town's assistant DA, whose 14 year old son gets charged with murdering one of his classmates. It turns out this father has violent men in his family tree, his own father is serving life in prison for murder. And his father before him killed some one, ect. ect.

So, they are exploring the concept of a "murder gene" with this kid. And it goes through the trial, the impact it has on the family, ect. ect.

In the end, the kid gets off, and they go on vacation. And the kid meets a girl. And, she dies....

hmmmm. But they can't charge the boy, no evidence at all.

So they return home, to their small town, and then, the mother of this boy gets him in a car, and drives them both into a big bridge cement pillar. Killing her son, and nearly herself

That ending really made me think. Especially now that I am a mother to a boy.

If I thought my son was a murderer, (now of 2 people), what would I do? If I knew he'd inherited this 'murder gene', and had the capacity to kill people, and learn from his first mistake, how to do it without getting caught, how would I handle it? Especially considering this boy was only 14 years old? Would I have the balls to drive into a bridge? No. Actually, I wouldn't. I just cannot even fathom it. Nor can I really fathom that MB would be a serial killer. It kind of brings to mind the whole nature vs. nurture arguement. Is it possible that there is a gene that predisposes people to murder, despite a stable, loving upbringing with two good parents and a happy life? What would a parent do, if that is the case? The book really got me thinking.

Oh, and in other news, MG got a kitten this last weekend, a little grey and white boy from the shelter. His name is Loki. And being as she left for school, right now the little mischief maker is laying on my arm, watching me type. MB is laying in the crib, complaining that he is in the crib. I'm trying to let him fall back asleep, but it's not really working that well. Once I bring him out, the cat runs to hide. (Smart cat).

How's things with everyone?

Duh, or maybe A-Ha?

First, to Daryl, I took off the WV :)....

Now...

This is going to probably sound silly. But yet, here it is.

I 've been working now at the Hospice facility for just about a month, on the inpatient side, and soon to go to the outpatient side. (I get to have the experience of both. It's a good thing).

Anyhow.

Today I kind of had a rough moment. I wasn't working or anything, but I was checking my voice mail thingy for work, and well. Most of the patient's that I have interacted with for the last 3 weeks are currently in the process of dying.

Duh, you say. I do, after all, work for hospice. They are what we refer to as "actively dying", meaning, that they will probably be gone within the next 24 hours.

It hit me today.

NONE of my patients are ever going to get better. None of them. Thats the whole point.

Now

I knew this. I did. And I am still totally game for this job. I actually really like the organization, and the whole concept of Hospice care. And I'm good at it. I've been good with the death and dying for most of my nursing career thus far.

But, being a hospital nurse, of course, our main goal is usually to save people and have the happy ending, blah blah blah. Some we didn't save. Some people, dying and going to a better place *is* the happy ending. And as a hospital nurse, I had the people getting better mixed in with the people who died.

Now?

I just have people dying.

And I found myself, crying in the grocery store over this epiphany. Not wailing and gnashing of teeth. I just had my moment. And then I realized what a big adjustment my brain just made, and accepted.

Because I am a hospice nurse....

NOW it snows... figures

Leap day brought us a pretty darn good storm this year, and despite the weather man predictions, its still snowing today. One of those wet, slushy mushy snows. And of course, yesterday we had things to do that needed to be done.
They make it a 3 ring circus now for women to change their names after they get married! I kind of understand why some choose to keep their maiden names, now....
However, my last name, for the last gazillion years, was my ex's name. I never put it back, because all of my military paperwork was in that name, and it seemed like a ginormous hassle. I wish I had, though. Every time I wrote that name out, after we were divorced, I felt kind of like a fraud.
Ah well. No difference. I've jumped through my many hoops, and now have a new name :)
MB is getting bigger, and much more interactive. He still really likes people. Yesterday, he charmed everyone in the bank, including the big, burly banker who just HAD to hold him while I was signing their paperwork. It was funny....
This blog post is massively boring....
I'll come back when I have something good to say :)

full circle

This blog started off with me bring a single woman, in an apartment, with three cats. Hey, don't judge. I was pretty happy. As time passed, I met MM, his daughter, his family, friends. We dated. We moved in together. We bought a house, made it a home. We got our beautiful surprise, mustang boy.
Today is the half way point between our birthdays. And now?
Its also our wedding anniversary.
Yep.
I am Mrs. Mustang, now....
We've come so far.....

Busy busy

So, once I was hired, no grass grew under my feet at my new job.
Last week, they had me all set up to go and do all the HR paper work, and when I got there, they kind of sprung on me that I was going to be orienting to the inpatient side, starting THE NEXT DAY, and every day that week
Um....
how about a little warning?
I had to (gently) explain to them that I needed to have a talk with my friend who graciously has agreed to watch MB while I am working during the day (temporarily) and that she was not available that NEXT DAY. So I worked it out, and was there 3 days last week, will be there 3 days this week, then 4 days next week. Then, I am working "for real". After a few weeks of that, I am going to go orient to the other side, the outpatient side of Hospice, and into the job I was hired for, which is night shift, on call. That means that I will be at home, and for 3 nights a week, if a hospice patient needs advice or to see me, they'll call me. If the situation is dire enough, I'll go out and see them. So basically, I'm going to be paid to stay home, and go out as needed. I think its pretty great. I'm sure I'll be going out plenty, but that's fine. It still gives me time at home with MB,  AND an income. An the workplace isn't toxic, like the one I just left....
So far, I am still really stoked about the job, I've already learned a lot, and I'm looking forward to making this job my own....
On the home front, things are good. I miss being home with MB every day, but I realize that's temporary. I have a good, trusted friend looking after him for me, and he is having fun with her and her children. Mustang Girl is flying through her senior year, and MM is continuing his quest to become a nurse as well...
So,
how are all of you?:)

that rocked!

HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I got it!

That interview was SO GOOD. The Hospice facility is so beautiful, and the work they do there? Awe inspiring. I ended up wanting that job even WORSE after I finished the interview and toured the facility. I felt comfortable, and at home, and, less than 2 hours after I left the place, they called me with an offer better than what I was hoping for.
I landed a full time position, they are going to train me up so that I will be very able to handle all the hoopla, AND they are going to pay me!
I feel lucky and blessed and I know I traded up for sure on the job front!
I totally CAN have all that happiness I've been seeking!
I'm more excited about this job than I have been about any other. I think it's good for me, my family, and my soul.
I love it when a plan works out. I need to listen to my gut more often!
And of course, my wonderful MM. Who was telling me the whole time that things were going to be okay, and I'd get it :)
So, onward we go, into new, fabulous territory!

The Plunge

Since I returned to work after my extended leave, (both maternity, and RA leave)
things have been different.
I felt like a round peg being forced into a square hole.
No matter what I did, or didn't do. It just didn't feel right. It didn't feel comfortable.
My co workers, for the most part, were great. Don't get me wrong. But they had 8 months of history now that I wasn't a part of. Including a new director of the unit.
I missed A LOT.
A lot of changes. And?
It impacted things.
The gist of this is.....
due to many things..... and a few people.......
I've left my job
Pick yourselves up off the floor.....
I'm getting another.
But I'm going to get one that I FIT in. One that makes me happy. One where I can have some job satisfaction. Which, frankly?
I haven't really had in awhile.
Friday, I am interviewing at a place that would be my DREAM job.
It's a Hospice facility.
Keep your fingers crossed for me, huh?
Because being unemployed is kind of scary...
I haven't been jobless in 20 years......

But its going to be all good.....

Happy

I've been spending a lot of time, lately, both with Mustang Boy, and thinking about MB. And other children, too. I'm noticing, that for the most part, they are pure joy.

This is what I mean.

Unless he's super hungry, or doesn't feel good, my kid wakes up, see's me, and gets that big, goofy baby grin on his face. He smiles and laughs through most of his day. He smiles for just about everyone that crosses his path, and especially if they'll make a funny face at him.

When he's in his "command module", he explores, plays, watches a little television if it's on, and has a good time, until he's tired, or hungry, and ready to be liberated.

Sure, he has his cranky days. We recently survived his first winter cold. (Me having the same cold at the same time made that quite a challenge).

But, for the most part, he is so happy.

So

What's wrong with us?

Are WE that happy? And if we aren't, WHY?

I know. I know. We grow up. The weight of the world comes down on us. The economy. Supporting ourselves and our families. Bills. Jobs.

Blah blah. The list goes on, as we adults are well aware of.

But I contend that we CAN be, and should be happy, like the babies are happy. And spread that joy.

So, I'm going to be doing that, or, rather doing the best I can to do that. To start each day with a smile on my face, and happiness in my heart.

Just like my son :)

frustration

Its hard for me to admit, but,

I'm frustrated.

Not all the time. Not even 50% of the time. But time.

MB has entered this phase where when he wants ANYTHING, no matter how major, (like food) or minor (a position change) he squeals and hollers like a howler monkey.

Doesn't matter what time it is. 5:30 am, or noon. He just goes from 0-60 in less than 2 seconds. And if it doesn't happen quickly enough?

Look out.

Boy has a temper.

He is also still cute, laughing and babbling, but the howler monkey?

Ugh!

I'm sure what's not helping is that both he and I have a head cold. I think thats why he has woken us up before 4 am every day this week with his howler monkey demonstration. He feels like crap and wants to be on one of our chests instead of anywhere else.

I've had my hair pulled, my eyes poked, little fingers that try to go up my nose and in my mouth. I'm covered in spit up and snot. (his, and mine, sadly).

I know, I know. I signed on for this. I'm the Mama.

I love him like crazy

but the howling has to stop....

Lets Review, shall we?

As I sit back and look at 2011, my mind is just kind of boggled.

Seriously. I kind of feel like I really hit the bucket list jackpot, somehow. Except, some of the things that happened weren't necessarily on my bucket list?

This year I have maintained a pregnancy, and NATURALLY given birth to a healthy baby, (the intrathecal that never happened WOULD have been on my bucket list...)

In doing that, I've survived 2 separate hospitalizations, one for my back, one for the baby :)

I finally, with the help of 2 good MD's, figured out WHAT was going on with me, causing pain and misery. Sure, being diagnosed with RA wasn't really what I wanted to happen, but, I know how to treat and deal with it, and am doing so much better than I was!

My family is thriving, the baby is growing more every day, and MG is doing well.

AND last but not least

for a beautiful Christmas morning surprise, MM asked me to be his wife.

(and I OF COURSE said Yes :)

So my year has been stellar, really, and I know that 2012 is going to follow suit....

Happy New Year Everyone.....