Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The other side

So, now I'm on the other side. My Dad, my longtime hero, died peacefully and comfortably on March 31.
     My days have kind of passed in a blur. MB and I spent the last few weeks staying with my Mom, being noise in the house for her. Distracting her when we could, supporting her when we couldn't, and just putting one foot in front of the other, trying to find our balance after losing an important level of our foundation.
     I'm home, now, re establishing a comfortable life pattern for MB, doing the things I know I should be doing. Finding laughter and enjoyment in life. But Dad is never far from my mind or my heart.
He would not expect, nor want anyone to wallow in grief. To stagnate. He'd kick our butts for even thinking that was an option. I do my best to focus on what he would consider the most important; my young son. And my family, but, really? Especially my son. My Dad was a champion of children, and providing comfort, love and stability for them. Without sounding like a corny song, they are the future.
     Onward, then, I go. I cry when I need to, laugh when I can, and love, always. I'm off work for another few weeks, and I need that time to get myself  more steady, to find yet another, new normal.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

New meaning to the word agony

My Dad is dying. It's his time, he has cancer for the third time, and we lost the war. As I type, he's going through the process of leaving us. He has only hours to days left. He's pain free, and clean and comfortable, which is so important to us all. But this waiting! Knowing what's happening, and that we are powerless to stop it, and that, now, I don't want to stop it!! He needs to be completely free of his pain and frailties. Even working as a hospice nurse does not, did not give me a full understanding of how this feels. Being on this side is exhausting.  I don't like it. It's going to make me a very different nurse, I think.
     After the weekend, if he's still with us, we will bring him home, and care for him there. I will bring MB and we will live with my parents, until he's gone.
Oh, how I'll miss him.

Friday, March 7, 2014


Oh, man, was I not prepared....
     The milestones of MB's young life have been flying by, and in a blink of my eye, he's a walking, talking, curious child. He has opinions that he very clearly expresses, and no longer relies of Mom and Dad for every little thing.
     Recently, MG flew our little nest for the frozen tundra known as Minnesota. After much wailing, and teeth gnashing, the room she left was cleaned out, painted, and carpeted. Then came the advent of the big boy bed..
Oh the joy. The excitement. The pirate madness of it all.
Except the one thing....
He doesn't want to sleep in the damn thing.
He wants to sleep with us.
He is up and down as much as he was when he was an infant. We dutifully get up, put him back, give kisses, and sit by him until he falls back asleep. IF he falls back to sleep.
This is, apparantly, a common problem with toddlers. I was really not aware of this. Had I known, I might have not been I. Such a hurry for a big boy bed.....
But it has to happen sometime, right?
Now if you will excuse me, I need more coffee....

Thursday, January 2, 2014

In which I discover a new pet peeve

We enjoy going to eat out in restaurants. Probably too much, but there you go.
MB has been learning how to act in public, and, he's pretty dang good, for a 2.5 year old. We only go to family friendly places, he does NOT run freely, he says please and thank you. He knows what a napkin is, and uses silverware appropriately. He does talk, laugh, and, yes, occasionally squeal, whine , cry or shout. But he is a kid, I'm not expecting perfection.
What makes it 10 times harder for us to teach him good restaurant behavior, however, are the people around us that want to egg him on and play with him.
      He is adorable. I totally get that. He smiles, and flirts, he sings on occasion. I'm glad they think so. But hey! He needs to settle down, and eat!! Wave hello or whatever, but don't sit there and make faces at him, talk at him, wave, and otherwise rile him up THE ENTIRE TIME. Give it a rest! Eat your meal, too!! I'm trying to teach him to be respectful of  other people, and their space, but it's mighty hard when the other people keep demonstrating otherwise...
     I don't wanna be a grouch. But I do want to eat in relative peace....

Saturday, October 26, 2013

The end of an era

Roxie, the Scarlet Harlot, has left the driveway.....

Over the last months, it started to become very evident that a change was needed. As fun as she was to drive, various needs were not being met. I always have a bucket of traveling nurse junk in the back, so driving around with the top off just wasn't feasible. The kids were getting more and more crowded in the back seat (Jeeps really aren't meant to be family cars), and there were days when my RA made it very painful to get UP into it.
Add the fact that we were almost constantly adding oil, and you can see where this is heading.
We made the painful decision to trade her in. My new car is very nice, roomy for all of us, has lots of fun bells and whistles on the inside, (seat warmers, yay!), and doesn't guzzle oil.
But it will never be my topless, wind in your face Roxie....
I hope she finds a really cool home with people who appreciate her...

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I have a sad

Holy Hell.

I did an unusual thing today, in the spare few moments of quiet I'm getting, while Sesame Street is on.
I went and read some old blog posts, from the year 07, when I met MM. And I discovered something.
I was writing. Fairly well, too. About things I'd forgotten about, or how I felt. Or useless things. But I was writing.
I had things to say. And when I didn't I found things to say.
And now? Where are those words now? Where'd my brain go? I know it's here, somewhere, and it contains more funny family antics (though washing a Turkey in the shower is hard to beat). It has more opinions about this world, and what's in it.
But I seem to have lost it.
I'm not writing anymore. The cob webs have set in. The hinges on the box are rusty. And though I am currently happily living life, loving where I'm at now, in it, looking back, at those old posts?
Makes me sad.
I lost something, and I'm not sure if I can find it, again....

Monday, August 12, 2013

I wonder

I'm all for girl power. Empowering young women to know themselves be themselves like themselves.  
I notice, now, though, all the empowerment messages directed at girls, and I wonder...

What about the boys? Aren't they beautiful,  too?
Don't we worry about their self esteem, their sense of worth, their image of the self?
Are we in danger of over correcting, trying to make up for the gender un equalization that is still ever present in society?
As the mother of a boy, I worry about this. I wonder how he's going to perceive this world, and it's messages. I look to my nephews, especially my oldest one, who is a kind, sensitive, friendly 13 year old. He's acutely conscious of how people perceive him. He's not a small kid, by any means. He comes from tall, solidly built stock. He is not fat, just solid. But people, including spiteful school nurses, and skinny, vegetarian doctors belittle him about yet. (Yes, the doctor did. Enough so that it even made my brother in law upset and uncomfortable. ).
I really hope by the time MB gets older, we can gain and maintain equality. All children are loved, accepted, valued. No matter their gender. They can be who they are, without self doubt. They'll love themselves.