Thursday, June 17, 2010

a departure?

I think I've come to the place many bloggers eventually get to.

I feel like I've nothing to really say, anymore.
I mean, I do... but....
well here it is.
I started blogging on a whim, out of curiosity, to see if I'd even maintain it. I had tried written diaries before. And never followed through.
The blogging, it seemed easier.
Thanks to Cami, my lovely cousin, a few people I didn't know came to read it. That was nice. I met the Sybil, the Bubblewench. Slowly, I met a few other people, and then a few more. I found some creative things to do, write stories, put in pictures, the mieographies.
And, who can forget, I met MM, and then, of course, MG during this process, and fell in love. With both of them. I love that my blog kind of loosely documents that.
But I have this thing, a hang up. A protective feeling. I won't, and can't, get really, deep down, gut wrenching personal on here. I don't want to blog about our problems, lack of problems, arguments, make ups, the joys of raising a teenager, the hells of raising a teenager. Its not just me anymore. There are two other people here, and I just can't expose all that intimate detail to the internet.
I am not, in any way, bashing the people who do, and can just put everything out there, by any means. This is a great outlet for airing frustrations and such. I am just too protective of anything that is way personal. MM, and MG are, too. Three years have gone by, and our lives are so enmeshed with each others that I can't usually say one thing about me that doesn't usually involve them. Unless its work. And despite the number of medical blogs taking the chance out there, I can't blog about work. I tried. And failed. Too risky in a small town.
Is it a bad thing that we are so enmeshed? No. I do still have 'me', time that is mine, things that are mine. I just find I prefer, really, to be "we". I was alone, single, and happy, for so many years. But it got old, so I am reveling in this "we". And we are happy, and doing well. There is just something that holds me back from exposing us for all the world wide web to see. Even on the all knowing Facebook, I have reservations...
So where am I going with this rambling blog post?
Am I going to stop blogging?
Probably not.
But I really don't know what my content is going to be. Lately I have just been tossing up 'things'. Even my stories are kind of suffering. And it's kind of not satisfying putting up something, and thinking "You know, I really could have written a much better _______ then that. But then walking away from it and leaving it up, anyhow. There seem to be so few of you loyal lovely people who drop by, anyhow. Which is ok, because, well, I blog for me. Anyone else reading it (when it has decent content) is just gravy. And I know that I have totally fallen off the comment wagon, lately, myself. But I love you all, and value the friendships I've made doing this blogging thing. And I will be around, visiting your blogs. Writing some stories here and there for Daryl's "tell me a story" posts (I love those).
I just need to find some motivation, again. Something.
Ah hell, I don't know...


sybil law said...

Totally understood. I barely blog about the T & Z, unless it's the most general thing/s. I am not someone who can let it all hang out, not at all.
Either way, I'll still be reading what you throw out there!!

NanaKaos said...

We all go to "silent running" mode sometimes. I got to the point where if I didn't think I had anything interesting or helpful to say I didn't. I mean, if I can't interest myself, who else will want to listen to me. Evey once in awhile I think of something. But lets face it, most of us did start as an experiment. I stayed with it a lot longer then I thought I would. Take a break, we all need a rest sometimes!

Finding Pam said...

Mielikki, I fully understand about "we" and your need to be protective.

I think we all go through this stage. Sometimes all I do is read other blogs.Sometimes I write at my blog.

This blogging thing reminds me of pen pals when I was a girl. You did not really know the person you were writing, but you wanted to stay in touch.

I enjoy reading your blog for the short time I have been following you. I will still read you because I like your writting and what you say.

Take care and do what you have to do.

Travis Erwin said...

I feel the same way most days.

Bubblewench said...

I know what you mean. I will talk about 'happy' things that go on with Scott, but I never get into the details that are no one elses business.

I'll always come by. I'll always be here looking for a little Mie. :)